For the friends and families of addicts

Melisande
Jul 12, 2020
2 min read

Updated: Jul 14, 2020

I apologise.

My sister has spent the past ten days or so visiting me here in Spain. She left this morning and as we were saying goodbye, I had this sudden revelation that if it hurt so much to say goodbye knowing she is going to be fine and I'm going to see her again, then how must it have felt for her, for my mum, for my dad, for anyone who cared about me; to say goodbye when I was in active addiction. My family is spread all over so we say goodbye to each other a lot. In a way, I have experienced the pain of saying goodbye and not knowing if I'm ever going to see someone again through my papa. My pops is a now sober alcoholic but still very poorly from the aftermath of it all. But today it just really hit me how much unnecessary pain I have caused. It is so heart wrenching to watch someone you love so much slowly, or even very quickly, destroy themselves. To watch helplessly, as they deteriorate. My dad told me he used to feel this every time he would say goodnight to me over the phone. And that breaks my heart. I think during active addiction my subconscious purposefully forgets the consequences of my using on the ones I love, which is just completely self-centred, but I think if it didn't, it would be too much for my soul to handle. Today, I'm striving through actions to be a better person, and as many times as I've said sorry I want to say it just a few times more..

I'm sorry for all the sleepless nights you've spent worrying.

I'm sorry for all the tears.

I'm sorry for all the times you hugged me so hard that I could feel you didn't want to let me go.

I'm sorry for all the lies, the deceits, the thefts.

I'm sorry for all the hospital beds you've seen me in.

I'm sorry for all the shame.

I'm sorry for all the wasted rehabs, psych wards, groups and therapies.

I'm sorry for all the devastations and disappointments.

I'm sorry for all the chaos.

I'm sorry for all the pain.

And most of all, I'm sorry that I actually had you mentally preparing yourselves for the strong possibility you could have had to bury me.