War vs. peace

I believe a craving for war and peace lives within all of us. And I believe the attraction to war can come from a few places; perhaps life is boring without chaos, maybe rage and turmoil is and always has been your normal, or you might just be on total self destruct mode because you have come to believe you are not worthy of life, or you are a burden, or you are completely hopeless and don't know how to choose peace. Yet.

As a drug addict, I've spent a lot of years choosing war. Before I even picked up my first drug, I feel I spent more time living and seeing my life through a lens of hate and anger than I did of understanding and gratitude. But the second I pick up a drug, there is no doubt about it, I am choosing war. Mentally and physically drugs bring havoc.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Somehow addiction takes you to a place where you know the result - nothing but pain and destruction for you and all your loved ones - but you still keep doing that same thing over, and over, and over again.

When I was 17 I lived in an apartment near Manchester city centre. I woke up in my apartment after passing out from too much alcohol and heroin and I could hear what sounded like people in my apartment. Half awake I sort of staggered to my living room where there were about 8 or so people that I had no vague memory of meeting and one person I knew maybe slightly more than an acquaintance. There was music playing and drink and drugs all over. I was still pretty drunk so this didn't even phase me but I wasn't really the 'party' type so I just left them to it in my own apartment and walked out. The next thing I remember is climbing out of the Manchester canal with a cafe of onlookers. Probably the worst day to wear white - there was actually a line across my chest and everything below was stained with brown canal water. As usual the craziness continued into the night. Someone I had seen previously in the day was now bashing on my apartment door saying I stole his money. Whether I did or not, I don't know. This guy was massive and it was only me and a girl friend in the apartment at this point so, both terrified, we called the police. He broke the door down after not long and we screamed "he's in he's in!" to the police dispatcher. Of course, the police show up 45 minutes after he'd already beat the shit out of me and left. Was this the day I stopped using? No.

A good few years ago my friend introduced me to this guy whose house was like something from Alice in Wonderland, which was quite fitting as this guy reminded me of the mad hatter... but with a dark side. We hung out there a few times and at the start of the night he'd be cool and fun but by the end he'd be sat at the top of the stairs on a chair with a smashed bottle in one hand and a knife in the other. I smoked crack with this guy a few times but it was the night I first tripped acid that I don't think I'll ever forget. He gave me what he said was a double strength tab but after a good hour or so of waiting nothing happened so he offered me another. Pretty quick it started to kick in. I remember the exact song that was playing and the calming view of the pretty waves of yellow and pink light before I fell into a place I hope I never go again. I don't really even know how to describe it but it was like being trapped in another distorted dimension without even knowing. It was as if my eyes were facing inside in my brain and I was watching the weirdest most vivid dream of my life. I was finally starting to come back to reality when I could actually see what was around me and I saw myself in the mirror. Mascara all over my face, hair like Einstein from where i'd been ripping it out. My friend, exhausted, yelled at me "you've been at this for eight hours, go to bed!". But, even though I was now feeling back in reality, my world was still distorted and I just wanted this trip to end. I tried making myself throw up but obviously you can't throw up acid so in the end I begged my friend to knock me out. He strangled me about 10 times but every time it got close to me passing out I panicked and squirmed so he'd stop. Eventually the 'mad hatter' called me upstairs and gave me a valium to knock me out. Was this the day I stopped using? Again, no.

The first time I ever smoked crack was 8 years ago at a hotel with this guy I had only just met. I was 15 and he was in his 30s and he offered it to me and so I took it. Because that was my mindset back then. I didn't care. I didn't see him again until years later and by this time I was seriously addicted to it. We spent a night using - he was sniffing and I was washing it up and smoking it. It comes to morning time, there's nothing left. I'm craving like a fiend to the point I feel like I'm going to just implode because my brain just can't take the immense power of the craving. I was sat on the couch mentally freaking out and I don't know what I was doing physically but it was annoying him and apparently freaking him out so he made me leave. I was homeless and penniless at this time in my life and to top it off I had no idea where I was and I had just 1% battery left on my phone. By the grace of God I managed to beg some guy from the other side of Manchester to order me a taxi and pay the other end. I made it there and was that the end of my using? Of course not, I just started back up as soon as I got to the next place.

Just a few years ago, I decided I wanted to go out to town for the first night in god knows how long. When I got heavy on crack I didn't care to go to clubs anymore. I didn't want to be social; I wanted to be alone where I could use with no trouble. But I don't know what came over me on this day, I just wanted to go out and dance. I got myself dolled up but all while still using and so by the time I was ready I had smoked through a ridiculous amount of crack. Which would have been fine cause this was my everyday, but this time I added drink to the mix and the only way I have ever drank is one sip chaser > deep gulps of hard liquor > one sip chaser. My drinking days were long gone so my brain must have taken a shock or something cause i just couldn't have imagined the rest of the night panning out how it did. First I got kicked out of the club. Then I rugby tackled a homeless man to the ground and started smashing his face in. Then it took three grown policemen to restrain me and take me to hospital. Then I got into a fight with the hospital security and he beat the shit out of me. Then I ripped the sink off the wall. And so then the police were called back and I was put in a room with nothing but one chair in it, which I let my dad sit in as he was now there too. So I'm just sat on the hospital floor, white pants covered in dirt, desperate to get home to smoke more crack and utterly ashamed at the tramp I have become. Was this the day I stopped using? God I wish, but no.

I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. A mind at war will only attract chaos and self-suffering. I have been clean in the past through rehabs and psych wards etc, but always still struggling inside, my head was at war with my head because I didn't know how to find peace. I think being content to some can be viewed as a boring mindset to live in. They need excitement. But for me, content is peace and peace is excitement. Because when I am at peace, the world is my oyster. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way some sort of guru. I can be so irritable and impulsive and hostile and all the things that make us human. But I'm slowly learning to accept that I have defects and so does everyone else. I can work on my defects but I can't work on others. And that's where expectations come in, if you expect something from someone, anyone, you will always leave yourself open for disappointment. The world doesn't owe anyone anything. We are all just here for the ride.

Life can be cruel and you probably have every reason to be angry at it, but at the end of the day, living in that hate and anger is only like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

So, which do you choose? War or peace?

For those who want peace:

There are a few things that I find help keep me grounded and move me closer to the peace and serenity I want to achieve within myself so I thought I would share them in case they can help you too.

I write a gratitude list every morning with things that truly, deep down, I am grateful for in that moment. If I just write the obvious rational things or if I write something that actually I don't fully connect with that day (because maybe my mind isn't in the best place) then it isn't as helpful.

I meditate - only for 5-15 minutes every morning and maybe more in the day if I am really struggling.

I pray to a higher power. I don't know what that is for me right now, as I definitely don't believe in a creator as such, but there is no doubt, through my experience, that prayer has helped me. Whether that be because I believe it will and so it does, who cares? At least it does.

I exercise, I spend time in nature and I do things I find fun. Self-care and self-love are vital.

I make daily goals. When I plan my day on paper (on my phone notes actually), I don't feel like my head is rushing so much and I can keep calm and move onto the next task. If I don't finish all my to-do's its fine, because I can look at the the ones I have. And each day I can do one thing, even a very small thing, to move closer to the person I want to be and the life I want to achieve.

I try to keep myself in the present. In my opinion, the only use for the past is the opportunity to learn and the only use for the future is to have something to keep you excited about and working towards. Living in the past or the present will remove today. And our time on earth is short, so let's savour every moment.

And a really big one for me is finding humility. On this earth, we, human beings, are all equal. No-one deserves more and no-one deserves less than another person. And no-one is more important or less important than another person. If everyone could see this, perhaps there would finally be a chance of world peace, but for now I can only start with me and you can only start with you. Helping people through charity, volunteering, being of service, etc. is the best way to get humble. I went to Peru when I was at my first treatment centre for a service trip and it was one of the most humbling experiences I have ever had. After refurbishing the school, we handed out one pencil to each child. I have never seen so much pure happiness in one place. Give an english child a pencil as a present and they will probably throw it right back at you. --- I'm shockingly slacking on this one though right now if I am completely honest. However, it's something I have now brought to my own attention through writing this blog post so it's something I can now work on more.

We can only do our best. And I am certain, with the right help/support/mindset, your best is more than good enough.

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