Psyche & Soma

When it comes to physical and mental health, drugs destroyed me.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have lasting back problems from jumping out of a window to go and use. I have a hernia, osteoarthritis and multiple of my lower vertebrae are slipped like stairs. And I've also mentioned that I was on crutches for a few weeks after my second overdose due to smashing my foot so hard during the seizure. But even without any "accidents", drugs affected my physical health immensely. For years I had a chronic cough and I was constantly spitting up black phlegm. And within three months I was in and out of the doctors with haematoma, pityriasis rosea, helicobacter and two cases of tonsillitis; all of which I'm sure were down to the drugs lowering my immune system. I also managed to get copper poisoning during this time as I used a homemade pipe to smoke my crack, which was made with a copper water pipe. In between finishing my supply and waiting for the dealer to drop more, I would scrape the pipe to try and get another hit. I became unwell and I knew this was why so I went to the doctor and he took my bloods to check. I continued to use this pipe. The results came back and of course, my copper levels were very high. I continued to use this pipe.

Even when I wasn't sick with an illness, I just constantly felt so weak and poorly. I dropped a stone in a week when I came out of my last rehab and relapsed. I wouldn't eat or sleep on crack; I would barely even drink water. For some of us drugs affect the brain differently. As we get deeper and deeper into addiction, drugs move higher and higher up our survival needs pyramid until they get to the top. Meaning our brains actually convince us, through this horrible subconscious need (craving), that drugs are our top priority and we will die without them. I didn't pay for heating during winter and I barely ate because I needed every penny of my money for crack and heroin. A craving, for me at least, doesn't feel like a want; it feels like a need.

I had childhood trauma before I picked up my first drink or drug but once I did I opened up a whole new world of trauma I could have never imagined. I blame myself a lot as I do feel a lot of it would have been avoided if I wasn't an addict but all blaming myself is going to do is bring me shame and, as I've spoken about before, shame is what I use on most. Being in active addiction is being a prisoner in your own head. It was like groundhog day, I hoped every day for years it was just a nightmare and I'd wake up. And now I have, and recovery is a beautiful dream. I have a long way to go but I'm learning and I'm trusting and I'm doing. I have been given the choice today, the obsession has been lifted, so I need to do everything I know and can to keep myself clean. For my friends, for my family and, most importantly, for myself.

I am ridiculously lucky that I have managed to survive and bounce back so quickly, because many don't. Remember, there are just three endings to active addiction - jails, institutions and death.

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