Guilt and Shame

I'll never forget the image of my poor mother's face as she was desperately pleading with me not to leave.

After my second crack overdose I decided to move back in with my mum in the States with the idea and honest plan of getting and staying clean. Unfortunately though, I can't run away from myself and within a week or so I'd picked up again. The chaos was instant. I was doing nothing but causing trouble and stress to my mother, stepdad and brother. On my way out to go use again a massive row broke out between me and my stepdad and I was told if I left I wasn't allowed back. That's when I looked at my mum, she was crying with panic and distress. She begged me not to go but I just turned around and walked out that door without saying a word.

I went to the only place I knew to go for drugs at that time and ended up being pimped out by a man in a wheelchair (which I only mention because it just shows the insanity - I could have easily ran off but the power the drugs had over me kept me trapped). Luckily but also, not so luckily, I met a guy who took me out of that situation. He bought me clothes, food, toiletries and put us up in an expensive hotel. But that expensive hotel went to hotel to motel to couch and almost street. He was a dealer and an IV heroin user and he funded his habit by selling crack. So when I came into his life and started smoking all his crack and using his heroin, we went broke real quick. One day we were in a crackhouse and the dealer pulled out a gun on us and I remember this so vividly because I just remember suddenly becoming so aware of the situation and thinking, "how the fuck have I ended up in this situation and how the fuck has my life come to this". And the truth of the matter is I made a continuous chain of very very very bad choices. Choices that broke my families hearts. Choices that almost killed me. And choices I will never forget.

They say shame is how you feel about yourself (I am bad) and guilt is how you feel about something you've done (I did something bad). For so long I felt so much shame. And I used on that shame. The horrendous things I've put my family through felt unforgivable and still do sometimes. But I know what happens when I feel shame - I use. And that leads to more shame which just keeps me on the hamster wheel of active addiction. Today, I still feel guilty about everything I've done but I feel I can almost separate my real self now from the person I am on drugs . I look back and I feel shocked and sickened, I can't believe that was me. But it was. And I have a lot of amends to make now. But sorry doesn't cut it anymore - if I had a penny for every time I said "I'm sorry" I'd be a millionaire. The best way for me to make amends with my family is to stay clean and to always try to do the next right thing. I'm working through the 12 steps and I haven't come to making verbal amends yet but I know if I keep following the program, going to meetings and doing everything my sponsor says; this will be the last apology I have to make for drug taking and all its behaviours.

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