No matter what

Yesterday I hiked a mountain with my sister to hold a mini funeral for my best friend who passed away two weeks ago. I was unable to attend the proper funeral as it was in the States, but I felt so badly that I needed to say goodbye somehow. I wrote her a letter which I read when I reached the top; and then I let it go. I haven't seen butterflies in years but I've been seeing a lot since she died and at the top of the mountain a butterfly landed next to us on our water bottle. This gave me a lot of comfort.

Some truly horrible and unspeakable events have happened in my life but I would go through it all a thousand times over if it meant she didn't have to die. She was my age, just 22. I feel such a heavy sadness because yes I am sad that I lost her, but I am even more sad that she lost her life.

During my recent clean time, I believed I could stay clean through almost anything but I panicked when I thought of someone I cared about dying. But two weeks later and I am still clean because for one: I know that using will do nothing but worsen the pain, and for two: I know that isn't what she would have wanted for anyone.

In the past I have dealt with grief by using. I remember when I was 19 and I found out a good friend of mine had passed, I'd already been up all night using but now I couldn't hit the pipe fast enough and no hit was big enough. I just cried over my pipe for hours/days/god knows how long until it didn't feel real anymore. This time I had to sit with my emotions and actually feel the pain and anyone whose lost someone close knows how painful that is. But I have learnt through my program from many wise and strong people that there is no situation and no reason ever to use. No matter what.

I will live my life with her in my heart. May she rest in peace.

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